Babylove

Most of the time, as mothers, we are quite sure that our children have no idea of the depths of our love for them. But sometimes, I think, they prove us wrong. Dan is one of those sometimes. As he creeps closer to three (two weeks away now!), I grow ever more conscious of the reality that one day he will be too big for me to hold, too grown-up for me to snuggle, and too mature to need his mommy. So I try to savor every hug, every kiss, every time I hear the word "Mommy" from his lips. Sometimes, though, he helps me.

Usually these times occur at night, as just happened a few moments ago. Sometimes, I think his not-quite-three-year-old brain is actually able to wrap itself around the monstrosity that is my love for him. When he is snuggled in bed, he will tell me that he wants "to be covered up with Mommy," which means he wants me to lie on his bed, more or less on top of him, snuggling him. Being a mommy, I am happy to oblige. Sometimes he just giggles and acts silly, but occasionally, he will place his little hands on either side of my face and look solemnly into my eyes, as if he is trying to communicate to me how much love for me is in his little heart. These occasions usually bring spontaneous tears to my eyes (usually, my head is also spinning at the abrupt 180 he has turned, because he has only two settings: Sweet as Sugar and Rosemary's Baby).

Tonight was Mark's evening to put him to bed, so while he was doing that, I was downstairs reading and playing around on my laptop. Mark decided to turn in early, and I went into the bathroom for a moment, after all was quiet and Mark had gone to sleep. I could hear the muffled sounds of singing coming from Dan's room (his room is directly over ours), so I decided to go check it out (it sounded too cute to be missed). I crept upstairs and quietly opened his bedroom door. He was lying in bed playing with his "baby" (a Glo-Worm that my mother-in-law gave to Kate last Christmas, but which Dan quickly commandeered). Dan's "baby" lights up (thus the "glo" part of Glo-Worm designation) and plays music when you press its stomach. The music it plays are familiar lullabies, most of which Dan knows the words to, so he was singing along. It was indeed too cute to be missed, so I went in and sat on his bed for a minute to talk with him. I asked him if he was singing to himself, and he gave me his angelic little smile and said yes (I used to sing myself to sleep when I was little, so it was a particularly precious moment for me), and then, when I reached down to hug him, he wrapped his little arms around me and that's when it happened. He squeezed me so tightly, it was like he was trying to say, "Mommy, I don't have the words to tell you how much I love you, so I'll tell you with my arms." I kissed him all over his little face and tried not to tear up as I told him (again) how much I love him.

In some ways, I am anxious for him to be older, because I think of all the fun things we have in our future--sports, family vacations, watching him learn to ride a bike, swim, and rollerskate. But in other ways, I just want to hit the "pause" button and freeze him at this age forever--or at least until I get my fill of his hugs and kisses and sweet little loves. But I guess that will never happen, huh? So time will march on, and one day my little guy will be a big guy, and he won't need me so much, and he won't want his face covered in Mommy Kisses. I just hope when the time comes, I'll be ready to let go. Because let's face it...there's nothing more uncool than a mom who won't let her little boy go.