Hard day

Today was a hard day for me.

So far, I have done an outstanding (in my opinion) job of holding it all together. I got the news last Tuesday at lunch, and couldn't lose it because I had to go back to my kids (students). After school, I couldn't lose it because I had to go pick up my children and didn't want to scare them by crying in front of them. I haven't had much of a chance to really grieve over the news.

Today, as the designated "science person" in my family, I did some research on cholangiocarcinoma (bile duct cancer, which is what the biopsy report indicated that Dad probably has).

The research is bleak.

I am not going into details here. If you so desire to know, you can Google it yourself. Suffice it to say that I finally had my "freak out" today and have been crying on and off all afternoon (but still, not in front of my kids, because I remember being a child and I know there is nothing more terrifying to a child than seeing a parent cry or be out of control).

I dreamed about chemo last night. It was the last dream I had before I woke up, and when I did wake up, I was nauseated, like I had just gotten chemo and was sick. Guess it's right there in my subconscious more than I thought...

I can't write any more right now. More later.